Just you wait to see how they go together. Patience. Let’s start with The Boy, aka Number Two, riding his bicycle around with a rubber Yoda hanging out of his mouth. Why does he do this? Perhaps he’s teething except I think he already has all his teeth so maybe he’s getting a second row of teeth like a shark. Or he likes the taste of 900 year-old Jedi master.
Some days he plugs Yoda in there and walks around the house for an hour, muttering through the slobber and rubber, drool pouring from his mouth like one of Pavlov’s dogs with tinnitus. Of all the harmful things my kids could be doing, this doesn’t even make the needle flicker on the Danger Meter™ so I let it continue.
How does Yoda go with coffee? It makes you feel great! This is going to come as a huge shock to my family, but I’ve started drinking coffee. For years I agreed with the protagonist of Memoir from Antproof Case by Mark Helprin, that coffee grounds usually contained additives like copra, feathers, and pig feces, and I regarded coffee drinkers in the same way one would react to a wild-haired troll sitting under a bridge huffing spray paint. But recently I’ve discovered that coffee makes you feel like you can conquer the world, and for that brief 90 minutes before the crash, you can be productive and creative. Then you want to go back to sleep and let your body decompose into chalky dust while the sun gyres through the Milky Way. But those 90 minutes are great! So while Number Two is gnawing on a rubber Yoda, I’m sipping coffee with milk. Who is the real weirdo here?