It was a weekend to break things.  On Saturday I brushed up against our steel birdbath with the delicacy of a dragonfly wing fluttering against rose petal.  It tipped over, struck a rock, and split in two.

The world's crappiest birdbath

I can’t say I was unhappy.  We bought it at a garden store thinking it would be the perfect centerpiece for our new round planter beds.  After one day, one day!, there was a ring of rust where we’d filled the bowl.  Funny, that.  Imagine a fixture made for outdoor use, something that’ll sit in the rain all year AND be filled with water, and it doesn’t have even the skimpiest negligee of protection against the elements.  I carried it back to the store, marched around the mall for an hour with this rusted steel dumbbell for an hour until the shop decided to open, then got told there was a no-returns policy.

“You can go to Home Depot and buy a sealant for it,” the owner said while picking his fingernails.

“I don’t want to seal it, I paid for an outdoor water feature assuming it would actually be suitable for water use.”

“No returns.”

So one of the things on my to-do list for the last few weeks has been to finish the job that was poorly done by a factory in China.  Fate saved me the trouble.  Once it was broken I saw that a lack of finish wasn’t its only problem.  Check out the fingernail of steel holding the top to the base.

Awesome craftsmanship and quality engineering!

But there’s more!  I’m Uncle F$#k-Up and I take my role Very Seriously.  I attempted to open the guest room window on Friday night.  It was stuck so I banged lightly on the frame with my palm.  Nothing.  Another smack.  Harder again.  One…more…hit.  You might think you know how this ends but never underestimate Uncle F$%k-Up.  I gave up and tried to push down the lever to re-lock the window.  Sixty-year old steel snapped off in my hand.  Now the window is stuck shut, but unlocked.  You tell me, is this more or less secure than when it wasn’t stuck?

Then my sister snapped the pull-string for the closet light because she couldn’t switch it off.  I forgot to tell her the switch was broken (awaiting replacement) and I’d been operating the light by unscrewing the bulb.  See, it runs in the family.

Writer, architect, father, husband.

Posted in Uncategorized
4 comments on “[snap]
  1. Po says:

    Don’t forget: you broke bread too.

  2. Remember: WD40 is your friend. Although that wouldn’t have saved the bird bath. ( and not so good on bread, broken or otherwise.)

  3. Babs says:

    Better Business Bureau?? Letter/confrontation with store manager??–superglue? or just tossing the dang thing into trash and starting over.

  4. Samanthropos says:

    And I tried to break my finger too, remember? Can I be Auntie Jack up? Wait I think I broke something else..or maybe it was just that I put dirty diapers in the wrong container. Suprise!

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