Let The Handouts Begin

They actually ship children into our neighborhood for Halloween.  No joke—apparently it’s so safe and walkable that kids from the metro area are brought here.  Last year I ran out of candy just after 8 pm and had to lock the door and turn off the lights.  Since we hadn’t finished moving in, I was alone in an empty house with no candy. 

This year I’m prepared–$20 of candy plus some backups.  I imagine we’ll last until 8:30 before we have to pretend nobody is home.  Since I’m a bit of a candy aficionado (sounds pretentious, like I should have a pencil-thin moustache and a cane) I tried to buy candy that would be placed in the “high quality” pile by kids the morning after trick-or-treating.  If you didn’t sort your candy as a kid, well, you missed out.  Reese’s products and mini candy bars went to the top of the list, except oddballs like Whatchamacallit and Zagnut.  Next came old reliables like Hershey bars, Mounds, Almond Joy.  Next were Hershey’s Kisses, Smarties, and smaller wrapped candies.  At the very bottom in the untouchable caste were the loose candy corn, raisins, apples, and 50s retro candies like Necco Wafers and Honey Bees.  Once the candy is sorted, you can then go all out and make yourself sick.

Since Baby Harbat is only two, I can’t decide if it’s immoral to take her trick-or-treating.  Since my neighbors will know they’re really giving candy to me.  Which I could then re-gift to all the shipped-in kids.  Or I could give them some of my back-up treats which include nails, leftover mini-soaps stolen from hotels, handfuls of mulch, used Post-it notes, foreign currency, mystery medication from the back of the cabinet, soy sauce packets from the late 1990s, and dust bunnies.  Trick’s on you, non-neighborhood kids!  Happy Halloween!

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Writer, architect, father, husband.

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2 comments on “Let The Handouts Begin
  1. Babs says:

    We're set with our "high quality, top-end candy"–Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers bars. Ok–so maybe it's our favorites and we hope no kids show up so we can peel wrappers all night and make ourselves sick like the good old days. I've heard boxes of staples and paper clips make good items for trick or treaters.

  2. psoutowood says:

    Awesome! I love the idea of giving out office supplies. Or even better, mismatched socks from the laundry basket. We could be the most avoided house in the neighborhood!

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