On my way to work I drive past a topless bar and a drag club.  They are the last two remnants in what’s a transitional neighborhood changing from scummy to hip.  When I see the nudie bar at 7:30 in the morning I think it must be the most depressing thing ever.  I’m probably right.

I will admit to going to a Hooters “restaurant” once in my life.  I was in college and on a band trip in Toronto.  It was the middle of the day and my group was starving.  Apparently there are no people in downtown Toronto, or maybe they were all at home celebrating Canada Day with moose-shaped ice cream cakes.  Anyway, the only food-serving business we could find was Hooters.  “Yeah, man, it’s a HOOTERS!!!” 

Once we stepped inside, though, any expectation of titillation melted away.  Let me tell you:  Tuesday lunch is not prime time for Hooters girls.  Our waitresses were just like the jaded chain-smoking pensioners you’d find at a diner off the Jersey Turnpike, except they were wearing low-cut orange tee shirts.  They shouldn’t have been wearing low-cut bifocals.  Appetite: zero.  Then I paid nine bucks for a chicken sandwich.  It arrived cold with a long hair draped inside it.

Sorry, Hooters, I won’t be coming back.  If the urge to eat spicy buffalo wings ever strikes, I’ll rub Sriracha on my lips and French kiss an exhaust pipe.  And if I want to see heaving bosoms and youthful virility, I’ll hang with this crowd.  What?  You were expecting something else?

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Writer, architect, father, husband.

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4 comments on “Boo-ters
  1. ErinGoBragh says:

    You said band trip? Glee!

    Yeah, I went to Hooters once, and was so sorely disappointed in these famous wings that I've never had the desire to return.

    Did you know Hooters doesn't serve coffee?

  2. Babs says:

    Well Silly–you don't go to Hooters for the food—what no coffee??

  3. SusannahB says:

    Our Hooters has been replaced with a Tilted Kilt. (I have visions of Jon Lovitz as Evelyn Quince in SNL's "Tales of Ribaldry" now…) The boy went there once; I think it was some sort of holiday that rendered all other places closed. He even threatened to buy food. His friends made him do so. He won't be returning 😛

  4. psoutowood says:

    I assume they don't serve coffee because their customers would wake/sober up and realize they had to get…the hell…out of there.Just googled 'Tilted Kilt'. It's the sluttiest looking sports pub you've ever seen! Also, as a kilt wearer, I can say those tartan miniskirts are NOT kilts. Not that I completely disapprove, I'm just saying.Also 2. As an owl lover, I was totally disappointed with Hooters.

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