I am celebrating this day by eating more Rolos than I should. At least they are filled with ooey-gooey caramel so you have to eat them more slowly, which is good. But they are 200% sugar. So that’s bad. I’m imagining Liesl singing So Long, Farewell to my teeth.
Q: How many Rolos is too many?
A: Not enough! Now get back. Back!
Why do I eat so much candy is the question I ask myself as I rummage through the Office Drawer of Happiness. The ODH is a file drawer that has cookies, Rolos, mini Hershey bars with toffee and almonds in them, and double-strength chai teabags. I have no files anywhere in this cabinet. I expect one day a coworker will go looking for something around my desk only to be showered with candy from behind a high stack of papers, or to pull their hand from a drawer to find it covered in honey or marmalade or whatever I squirreled away. “My God, all this time, he hasn’t been doing any work, has he? Just storing away sugar for some kind of diabetic apocalypse…”
I highly recommend Petit Ecolier cookies, which look all fancy and European but are really butter cookies covered in chocolate. And the grocery store often has to unload them at half price because nobody buys them. Except me. My wife calls them quote unquote disgusting. Well, I think that’s disgusting. How dare her. It’s a little schoolchild on a biscuit! What’s cuter than that?
Now I’m beginning to understand those dreams where I’m spitting my teeth out into my cupped hand by the mouthful, like kernels of corn. I understand that I can prevent this by eating more candy. Hurrah!